I know my blog posts have been far and few between lately. Truthfully I have been hiding out from blogging because I knew what I wanted to write about but was a little scared to do it. I know the topic of waiting to have sex before marriage is a controversial one even among Christians. I have tried to keep my writings on dating and single life more neutral in the sense that whether you consider yourself a Christian or not you can read it and feel it can apply to you. But this topic I am going to write from my perspective as a Christian. I am not going to hold back and am going to attempt to be as raw and real with my thoughts as I can. I want to preface this post by saying that this is from the furthest place of any kind of judgement. I truly believe in the grace, forgiveness and goodness of God. 🙂
When I was growing up the “True Love Waits” movement was very big. We went to their conference, got the True Love Waits ring, and filled out the card saying we would wait to have sex until our wedding night. I wore my True Love Waits ring on my wedding finger as a sign and a reminder to myself that I was waiting for my husband. (Those of you who are younger than me may be reading this and thinking how cheesy is that! haha!) It has seemed to me that this topic of waiting until marriage to have sex is not nearly as talked about anymore. Actually, often times I find that singles have no clue why God even says to wait until marriage to have sex. Or they believe that was for the Old Testament and no longer applies now. If you don’t know your “why” you won’t be able to withstand the pressures and desires that you encounter. Our why is what grounds us to stand firm when temptation is raging all around and in us. It will be your anchor to hold tightly to. Part of the reason some people have a hard time with believing God says to wait until marriage to have sex is because we don’t like being told what to do. It’s a “don’t tell me how to live my life or what I can or can not do, or that I am living in sin”. Did it ever occur to you that God says not to do something because He has something good in store for you, not because He is trying to withhold something good from you? Now that I am a Mom I look at Sienna and tell her she can’t do certain things. Those “no’s” that I tell her come from a place of love and wanting to protect every part of her, not a place of trying to withhold something good from her. Certain things that are a no now for her will be a yes one day and will be so amazing. Because everything is made beautiful in it’s time.
I have heard a statement made a few times by girls in relationships pushing close to, or even having, sex. It’s something like this: “I want to make him happy.” It made me realize that somehow women believe it is their responsibility to keep a man sexually happy in their dating relationship in order to keep him. We as women are continually being told two things in our culture. One is that we are women who can’t be told what to do by men. It’s my body I will do what I want. But yet at the same time we are also being told by subliminal messages that we need to be sexual and show our bodies in order to have a man want us. That is what makes us desirable when we bring the sexual side of us to a man. We don’t want him to feel that we are inexperienced. Women have a fear that if he is not sexually happy he won’t want to be with me.
The Bible says that “love is patient”. If you feel the need to be sexually active with someone so they will be happy then they might not have that deep, steadfast, patient love for you. They may have a self control issue of not being able to control their body to wait to make a covenant commitment to you and God to love you and honor you. Seth showed me he loved me by never pressuring me to have sex. His love for me was patient. I have shared prior that Seth was not a virgin when we began dating so you can imagine how much harder this way for him to now turn off a faucet that he had already turned on in previous relationships.
Teaching your body to have patience and self control is something that you carry over into marriage. If you can learn to control your body outside of marriage then you will have a much better chance of knowing how to control it inside of marriage. A lot of people have never known what it means to tell your body no. To be told that you need to control yourself. That I do not need sex to be happy or feel loved. Then all of a sudden you step into marriage and you are supposed to have self control and have one partner for life when it is something you have never practiced before marriage.
The typical question that people ask when you are a virgin is, “But what if you get married and the sex is awful?” I’m like, “duh! I won’t know because I have nothing to compare it to!” haha! The other question I got asked a lot was if I was nervous to have sex since Seth had had sex before and what if he compared me to other women. Honestly, that was a concern I had when we were approaching marriage. I was nervous and to say I wasn’t would be a lie. I ended up going to Seth about it and letting him know how I felt. What he said to me is something I will never forget. He looked at me tenderly and without any hesitation he said to me “I never loved them so there will be nothing to compare to”. And just like that all of my nerves and fears left and I knew that I was loved no matter what. If I was horrible in bed Seth wouldn’t be upset that he chose to marry me because he didn’t marry me for sex, he married me for love. And we would figure it out together. I would learn with him which is the beauty of being so naked and intimate with someone. I didn’t have to bring perfection, I just had to bring me. Sex is the overflow of our deep love and covenant, not what caused us to fall in love, or feel love.
I love being able to look back over my dating time with Seth and say, we won! We taught ourselves patience and self control. We were able to bring that victory into our marriage and know that we can control the lusts and desires that our body may have.
Always remember, God does not tell us no to punish us, He tells us to “wait” to give us the best gift! Today is a new day to create a love that is patient.