Marriage won’t fix your problems, it will expose them

Happy Thanksgiving week!! The holiday season is here! I love this time of year! Seth and I are so excited to begin to create traditions for our little family. My birthday is always Thanksgiving week. Which I actually love because I love the holidays so much! We are apparently some of the few people left that wait to decorate our house for Christmas until after Thanksgiving, haha! So this year we are going to decorate it on my birthday!! When Seth asked me what I wanted to do on my birthday that was one of the things I told him.

Anyways, moving along to the topic of this post. When I was single I would think to myself that if I could just meet the one for me, and if I fell in love, and ultimately got married, then I would be so happy and fulfilled in life. Everything would be good and I wouldn’t have as many struggles. WRONG! haha. I mean, my life is WAY better with Seth in it, but being married can’t fix things on the inside. Fears, insecurity, depression, anger. All of those things do not suddenly disappear as you ride off into the sunset with the man of your dreams. Those “bags”, if you will, come right along with you. You might not see them till after the honeymoon, but eventually they will come out to say hi.

Marriage requires vulnerability. And even if you try to hide your “baggage” it won’t be able to be hidden for long. Nor do you want it to be. Marriage is nakedness. Adam and Eve were in the garden naked. I don’t believe that was just nakedness of body, but nakedness of heart. It allows you to become exposed in ways you never have been before. Which is a beautiful thing.

However, this is another reason why you want to take the time to be sure to choose your life partner carefully. If you want to be married because you think you will wakeup the day after your wedding on a new path filled with only roses and butterflies in your life, then you are going to be very disappointed. Because your spouse probably has some baggage, as do you. And suddenly you will both be in this union that brings out the most amazing sides of you, and also the worst.

I can not sit here and type to you saying that once I got married struggles I had before all disappeared. Because they didn’t. Fears that I had before Seth, still knock on my door. Can you identify your struggles? What is the baggage in your life? It is so important to not let those things sit dormant because you think it will fade after saying I do. The less bags you carry in your marriage the better. Are you struggling with depression? Anger? Un-forgiveness? Begin to tackle those things head on. “Whatever it takes” is a great motto to have. Emotional wholeness is so important.

I have seen this happen in marriages. People get married. They have struggled with anger. So who becomes their punching bag? The very person they thought that once they got married to everything would be great because then they would be so happy. And they begin to take everything out on their spouse. Eventually it can destroy the marriage. Or if you have struggled with rejection. The person you marry can become the very person that you always feel rejected by. They are never meeting your standards. You become the victim. This can cause so much damage.

Today is the day to start dealing with the baggage you have been carrying around. Not when you fall in love, not when you get married. You can begin seeking after emotional wholeness now. But the wonderful thing about the marriage covenant is that you have vowed for better or for worse. And let me tell you, Seth has seen my worst! But you know what, he loves me right through it. Our “stuff” does not scare each other. There is beauty in the nakedness. There is safety. No one has seen all of me the way Seth has, nor should anyone else. Seth knows that I am after being whole, as is he. We are pursing God, pursing wholeness, and pursuing each other. I want to be the absolute best version of myself for Seth and Sienna.

Seth is the best thing to happen to my life (besides Sienna) but he can not fix me. The Coldplay song “Fix You” is one of my favorites. And although Seth can help me to be healthy and whole, he actually can not fix me. That is in inside job that only I can go after.

As you are entering this holiday season, if you are single..instead of looking around at how you don’t have that special someone in your life to feel like you are in a Hallmark Christmas movie with 😉 begin to pursue wholeness in your life. That will be one of the best gifts you can offer to your future spouse. To say, I prepared my heart for you in every way I could. I dealt with my stuff so I could be the best version of myself for you. And if you are already married, I am sure that you have already realized that even the best love story you have had didn’t “fix you”.  Take the baggage and start to actively go after it. Become vulnerable with your spouse and ask them to help to encourage you and hold your hand as you do this.

Love is even more beautiful when it consists of two people who are pursuing their emotional healing!

Happy Thanksgiving!! Hope you all have a wonderful week remembering all the blessings in your life to be thankful for!!






  1. Michelle
    November 23, 2016 / 8:47 pm

    This is so good! Shared with my girlfriends 🙂 Thanks Carly!

    • carlymay
      November 24, 2016 / 3:43 am

      thanks girl! Xo!

    • carlymay
      May 20, 2017 / 9:51 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing!! 🙂

  2. November 27, 2016 / 5:55 pm

    Hi Carly! Happy thanksgiving! And happy birthday! May God continue blessing your marriage!

  3. Ines
    November 7, 2017 / 11:33 pm

    Thanks for your words ! It helped me a LOT.

    • carlymay
      November 8, 2017 / 9:05 pm

      so glad to hear that! Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *