As hard as I try to have a blog post out every few weeks it sometimes just doesn’t happen. Every day I tell myself to sit down and write, but I am one of those people that I have an ongoing list in my head that I need to accomplish and I can’t sit until it is finished. But I am currently forcing myself to sit and write instead of doing the laundry 😉 All that to say, thank your for your patience on my blog posts! How do moms post blogs every week?!?
I wanted to talk about 5 of the warning signs that I see in a relationship when looking to move towards marriage. I know in the past I have talked about how to know when someone is the one, but this is more or less…how to know when someone maybe is NOT the one haha.
Disclaimer: These are just my opinions and what I learned on my journey. 😉
Warning sign NUMBER 1: “He is really a great guy, so I should want to marry him. I am probably just being too picky. I mean no one is perfect and I should get married because I’m not getting any younger.What if I don’t meet someone else?” If you have to talk yourself into wanting to marry someone you probably should reconsider marrying them. You don’t want to get married because you are getting older, your boyfriend/girlfriend is a good person, or out of fear of not meeting someone else if you weren’t to marry that person. DO NOT SETTLE. I repeat DO NOT SETTLE. Even if the person is an amazing person on paper, they have to be amazing with and for you! Marriage is for life. If you are talking yourself into marrying them then chances are you will be talking yourself into leaving them..
Warning sign NUMBER 2: “Our morals and values are different, but I believe he/she will change after we get married.” I am of the belief that you can’t change someone. And saying ‘I do’ does not make changing someone any easier, it can actually make it harder. I fully believe that your value system has to be pretty much the same. So some examples of what I mean would be religion and family values. For instance, I am a Christian who feels it is important to be involved in a church and I wanted to raise my family with that lifestyle. But let’s say Seth did not have that same value for church. He believed in God but didn’t really feel it necessary to go to church. That would more than likely create a problem later on in marriage. I would get frustrated that I was going to church every week by myself. Or maybe Seth would be frustrated that I wouldn’t just stay home and spend time with him, telling me that church is more important to me than he is. And then let’s not forget when the kids come along and they see that Daddy doesn’t go to church so why do they have to. So Daddy tells them that they don’t have to go, they can stay home. Suddenly you have a divided home.
Warning sign NUMBER 3: “He/She wants me to change”. If who YOU are is not good enough. Not what the other person was looking for then why marry them? You deserve to be fully loved and adored. Make sure you believe that about yourself. If your significant other is constantly throwing things in your face that you need to change, do better, or do different. And you are walking away feeling defeated and not good enough, then I would say, something is wrong here. Yes, your significant other will challenge you to be better, but someone who loves you will not need you to change so they can love you more.
Warning sign NUMBER 4: “He/She doesn’t support my dreams”. A marriage is two people, with two different dreams that sometimes coincide and sometimes don’t. You have to be able to champion each other in your dreams and goals. I have found that sometimes one of us is living out a dream, while the other isn’t. For example I have dreams in my heart that I am not living yet. However, I am watching Seth have some dreams come to pass. Instead of me not wanting to support his dreams because I am self consumed on wanting to see my goals come to pass, I am in his corner cheering him on, being his biggest fan and supporter. When his wins, I win. When he succeeds, I succeed. And I fully trust and know that he wants to see my desires come to pass more then I even want them to. He is constantly encouraging me to pursue things that I am passionate about. Seth isn’t telling me to basically come along for the ride while we just live out his dream life. No, we are two people who are cheering each other on. We are each others biggest champions. His dreams are now my dreams, and my dreams are now his.
Warning sign NUMBER 5: “We want two different things out of life”. If you have two different dream lives. He wants to live oversees, and you want to live down the street from your family. Something will have to give. Someone will have to be willing to make the sacrifice to do what the other wants. If you are in a relationship and neither of you are willing to bend before marriage then don’t think after marriage your spouse will magically wake up after your wedding night saying, let’s do what you want to do. You need to have those serious, and sometimes hard, conversations prior to a ring going on your finger. Seth and I talked about these things right away…probably our second or third date. He is from New York and my family is in California. I pretty much blatantly asked him if he ever wanted to move back to NY because that was something I knew I was not willing/wanting to do. Sounds harsh, I know. But you can’t sugar coat things to make someone want to be with you and then drop a bomb on them later that you really don’t want to do that. I told Seth it was really important to me to stay near my family and that I love living in CA. I asked him if that was something he would be willing to do. If he had told me that he eventually wanted to move back to NY then that would have caused me to step back and re-evaluate if that was something I was willing/ wanting to do. I didn’t want to wait until after engagement or marriage to talk about those things. We had to discuss our negotioables and our non-negotioables. Thankfully for me Seth actually really wanted to stay in CA and start a life here. It could’ve gone vice versa if Seth wanted to be back in NY and came to me asking me if I would move there with him. Find out what your dream life is and talk about it. Make it a priority to know which areas each of you are willing to compromise in. Now obviously life takes twists and turns that we don’t forsee. I was living in LA and ended up in Redding, CA and now Sacramento. Which I never thought I would leave SoCal. Point being, we do our best to talk about our desires for life, and know that it could change along the way, but at least we have communicated core things that are important to us.
Hopefully that can help you to be aware of caution signs along the way as you make the choice of who you want to spend your life loving.Marriage is absolutely amazing, and even more amazing when you walk into it fully confident in the decision you have made.