Watching someone else live out your dreams…equals…painful. Plain and simple. It hurts. Let’s just be real. However there is something being done in you during this time. The idol of your heart is exposed and has the opportunity to be removed. This can happen in a moment, or it can take years. For me, it took years….
As I mentioned in my first blog post, I had a dream since when I was a little girl to be a bride. As I got older I began to plan a timeline for my life (like many of us do). It was to be married at 19 and have my first baby at 21.
We all have dreams that we attach to a timeline. Timelines keep us working towards goals we set to accomplish our dreams. In and of itself this is not a bad thing. But when we don’t see these dreams fulfilled as planned according to our timeline we can be left discouraged and disappointed.
As you may have gathered, things didn’t go according to MY plan. Meanwhile it did happen to one of the closest people in my life: my younger sister. I watched as she got married at 19 and then had her first baby just weeks before turning 21. Painful doesn’t begin to express it. You have to understand that the feelings of hurt were not from my sister; instead they were a result of feeling overlooked and forgotten by God. How come she was living out MY DREAM?! I felt like it was a knife that just kept stabbing at an open wound in my heart. I was doing everything “right”. I was a “good girl”. Followed the rules all my life, got a good job, was honest, a loyal person, loved people, loved God, served in church. I mean, what was I doing wrong?!
On my sister’s wedding day I was actually going through the start of a breakup. He was supposed to be with me at the wedding. Instead we were texting back and forth about the ending of our relationship just moments before I was to walk down the aisle and watch my sister marry the man of her dreams. It was all so gut wrenching to say the least. I was celebrating my sister and new brother in law, and mourning what felt like a death to my dream.
I wish I could say that I got it right and let the dream go becoming carefree knowing that I would have a beautiful love story in the perfect timing. But, I didn’t. Instead I walked through layers of pain. I would soak my pillow in tears. Not the cute tears that run down your cheeks, but the sobbing ugly cry that no one ever wants to be seen doing. I asked all the “why” questions to God. “Why did I have to have a dream not met? Why is he taking so long?” And then thoughts of, “Maybe I am not supposed to be married. I might just be single forever!” And the list goes on and on. When instead of asking why I needed to trust and have hope.
I wrote a song back in 2010 when I was going through this. Here are the lyrics to the chorus…”They say good things come to those who wait, so I wait, I stand waiting, choosing to enjoy my now, excited about seeing my dreams, play out on the pages of my life’s story.” I had to encourage myself that in the waiting something good was happening. There was a promise on the other side. To be honest, I didn’t get to that place overnight. Even after writing this song I still struggled. It was a daily choice, that I didn’t always make, to not be discouraged. My promise did come, he came in 2012. After I FINALLY fully surrendered my plans and my dreams to God in February 2012. I met Seth just weeks later. I didn’t know it was going to happen so quickly after getting to the point of being fully alive in the season of life I was in. Singleness. I embraced it. I made a choice to enjoy it and pursue things that I loved. I wasn’t on the “look out” for maybe this guy is the one. Nope, I finally got to the point that I just loved my life in the current place it was positioned. I didn’t cry over seeing my sister married with her baby. I learned to rejoice with her and for her. That’s when my heart was ready to be pursed by the man of my dreams.
Don’t allow your dream to become your idol. Your happiness can’t be found in your love story. It has to be found in the Maker of your love story.